I turned 30.
That's right - 30. I feel a bit trepidatious about this sudden change. I'm expected to be responsible. I'm supposed to have my shit together. I do not have my shit together. I need five thousand dollars. I need to win the lottery.
In aspiring to greatness, I had a Gatsby Garden party at Leech Botanical Gardens - thrown semi-secretly by my family, YummyBoyfriend and the lovely Ms. Violet. People came beautifully and nearly era-appropriately dressed and for a few hours I felt as if I truly were outside of time.
This is not to say that I'm a criminal, however, I just enjoy those things in life that come freely. See?
Never mind - that is beyond the point. I do pay for things and therein lies the trouble. I pay for things with money I do not have or have in very short supply. I lust after that which I cannot have, accomplishments which lie beyond me. I am maddeningly social yet often feel alone at the end of the day. I feel as if I have missed my chance. I feel loved and hated on a daily basis. I give when I cannot. I spend long hours dreaming. I drink too much.
I wonder if I will make it.
Gatsby terrifies me.