Out of the 20's and into the 30's - Great Gatsby Style

I turned 30.  

That's right - 30.  I feel a bit trepidatious about this sudden change.  I'm expected to be responsible.  I'm supposed to have my shit together.  I do not have my shit together.  I need five thousand dollars.  I need to win the lottery.

In aspiring to greatness, I had a Gatsby Garden party at Leech Botanical Gardens - thrown semi-secretly by my family, YummyBoyfriend and the lovely Ms. Violet.  People came beautifully and nearly era-appropriately dressed and for a few hours I felt as if I truly were outside of time.

Ah, drinking Tavel and completely oblivious to my outstanding debts.  I love life, just not when its bogey-men catch up with me.  I like parties, pretty dresses, and beautiful wine and spirits. I've just never been a fan of paying for them. 

This is not to say that I'm a criminal, however, I just enjoy those things in life that come freely.  See?

Never mind - that is beyond the point.  I do pay for things and therein lies the trouble.  I pay for things with money I do not have or have in very short supply.  I lust after that which I cannot have, accomplishments which lie beyond me.  I am maddeningly social yet often feel alone at the end of the day.  I feel as if I have missed my chance.  I feel loved and hated on a daily basis.  I give when I cannot.  I spend long hours dreaming.  I drink too much.

I wonder if I will make it.

Gatsby terrifies me.